A Month of Mondays Read online

  “Suze,” Baker said again.

  “I won’t sit down!” I shouted. “You people are incredible. No one was paying attention to what I said. No one cares about anything. You’re all a bunch of self-serving, special-interest…” I searched for the word…. What had Trina called them? Politicians. That’s right. She’d said the school board was a jumping-off position for a career in politics. “You’re all just a bunch of politicians, and you only care about yourselves and your careers.”

  Farbinger jumped out of his seat. “Miss Tamaki! That is enough!”

  I gave the stairs a miss and leapt off the edge off the stage, running up the aisle. The fact I’d lost, that the custodians had lost, made me so mad I wanted to break something. My insider information should’ve convinced them! Didn’t they see what they were proposing was preposterous? I couldn’t get past knowing that I’d let Yoda down either.

  If only Amanda had been here. I know she could’ve convinced them to do the right thing. In the lobby I wiped my streaming eyes. This was too stupid to be true. In a matter of seconds, Jessica was there with her arms around me, and I clung to her, dripping hot tears all over her shirt.

  I felt a warm, meaty hand plant itself on my shoulder. “Suze?” AJ stood over me. She handed me a tissue, and I mopped my face. She was about to say something when Caroline walked into the lobby. The two women, who both wanted to lay claim to me, stared at each other, and I buried my head in Jessica’ shoulder. This wasn’t exactly what I’d had in mind when I planned to make my family proud of me. After a minute, when no one said anything, I raised my eyes. They’d disappeared.

  “Where’d they go?” I asked.

  “Back inside,” Jessica said. “I waved them away.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Suze?”

  “Mmmhmm?”

  “You left Amanda’s computer in there.”

  “Will you get it for me?” I asked her.

  “Sure. No prob. We’ll have to wait until they finish, though.”

  We sat down on a scarred wooden bench to wait. Jessica held my hand tightly, and her solid rhythmic breathing comforted me. I could hear the traitor guy’s voice from inside droning on and on. Turncoat.

  The longer I sat there, the more embarrassed and ashamed I began to feel. How could I have acted like such a baby? And now Farbinger would never let me stay in Honors English. The custodians had lost, I’d have to go back to Lame-o English, and I’d made a fool of myself in front of all the smarties in school. Not to mention my family. So much for my Super Powers. I knew I should’ve stayed home and watched TV tonight.

  The wave of self-pity gave way to more anger. Furiously I swiped at the tears, stood up, and walked back into the auditorium.

  Jessica ran after me. “Where are you going?” she hissed.

  I ignored her and she stopped following when everyone turned to look at us. My gait down the aisle was unsteady. My thoughts wavery and unclear. When I got to the stage I could feel all the parents and the Honors English Class staring at my back, but I didn’t care. I waited for a pause in the school board discussion. Benedict Arnold noticed me.

  “Yes?” he asked.

  “I’d like to apologize,” I said, climbing the stairs. “For acting like a baby.” I walked up to the table and looked around slowly at each person, meeting each pair of eyes, one by one. “I’m sorry for my outburst. It was wrong and rude.”

  “Understandable.”

  “Of course.”

  “Thank you for apologizing,” they muttered.

  I went to the podium and unhooked Amanda’s computer from the projector. As I walked back across the stage to the stairs I stopped directly behind the table and waited for them all to look up at me. “I am right, though,” I said, “and you all know it. Personally, I don’t see how you sleep at night.”

  And then I was out of there as fast as I could possibly move without running.

  Chapter 36

  Dad had to give Jessica and Yoda a ride home after the school board meeting, and all the way Yoda talked to my dad about baseball as if nothing had happened. Tracie, Jess, and I sat in complete silence in the backseat. My heart ached from failure, and listening to Yoda yammer on about his favorite team wasn’t helping. He’d have plenty of time to watch baseball next summer once the custodians’ contracts expired.

  I went straight to our room when we got home, but Tracie didn’t follow me. She still hadn’t said two words. I don’t know why she even went tonight if she was so mad about Caroline that she couldn’t give me a hug and tell me she was sorry I’d lost the fight. Some sister she turned out to be.

  What seemed like hours later I was lying there, unable to sleep, waiting for Tracie to come to bed. It was now or never, I had to tell her everything tonight while I was still in a reckless mood. And the most important part was what Caroline had told me that weekend I’d stayed with her and we’d gone for our walk. Not about our grandparents dying, but about her husband.

  Caroline and I were walking around Oak Bay drinking our coffees, when I got a rock in my slipper. “Stop for a minute,” I’d said to her. I set my drink down on a bus bench and stood on one leg, so I could fish out the pebble.

  “Susan?” Caroline said. “Why are you wearing slippers?”

  “It was dark in the bedroom, and I couldn’t find my shoes. I didn’t know we were going for a walk. Okay, got it.” I grabbed my drink, and we started moving again.

  “Are you all right?” she asked. “Do you want to head home?”

  “I’m good. As long as I avoid the puddles.”

  Caroline smiled, shaking her head. But it was kind of a nice smile, like she thought maybe I was a little bit like her or something. We turned off the main street and walked through a neighborhood of houses a lot like Caroline’s. Lights were popping on as we walked by; people getting up to face the day.

  “What else do you want to know about me?” she asked after a while.

  I’d finished my drink, but there weren’t any public garbage cans, so I carried the cup, squishing it with nervous hands. “Well…why did you come back? To Victoria? Now, I mean?” I had Uncle Bill’s version, but I wanted to hear hers.

  She cleared her throat. “You know I was married, right?”

  “I guess.”

  “Well, I was. For five years, three months, and eleven days.”

  We walked without looking at each other.

  “Ray, my husband, was…I can’t even explain it. It was like we were one person, almost, but we still had our own interests and friends and all that. It was exactly what I hope you have someday.”

  I liked the idea of her thinking about my future. I smiled at her, and she tried to smile back. Her eyes looked a little watery. We were only a block away from her house now, and she slowed her pace. “Ray tried to get me to contact you girls, but I was afraid. He told me practically every day that life is short, and I should just go see you.”

  We climbed the steps to her front porch, but neither of us wanted to go inside, in case Jessica was up. We couldn’t lose the moment. We both sat on the top stair as if we’d talked about it and agreed.

  “What happened?” I asked.

  “Last winter, on February eleventh, Ray had a heart attack at the gym. He died at the scene.”

  Oh, God. How horrible. Why did I ask? That little tingly feeling across the bridge of my nose made me think I might cry for this man I’d never met. “Caroline,” I said. “I’m so sorry.”

  What else could I say? She looked like her face was going to dissolve into a pool of sadness. After a minute, she sucked in a deep breath through her nose and let it out with a shudder. Then she sort of shook herself, like a wet dog shakes off rain, and forced herself to smile.

  “I realized that Ray was right,” she said. “I needed to see you girls. It took me a while to work up the courage, but I promised h
im…I still talk to him…I’d do it before the end of the year.”

  I laid my hand on her knee. I was afraid she’d think it was stupid, but she put hers over mine. “Maybe your uncle Bill told you,” she said, “but I ran into him not long after Ray died…. It seemed like an omen. A good one, I mean. Like a sign.”

  “Yeah. He mentioned it. Not about your husband, but lunch.”

  “Bill’s been great. It’s funny, but we weren’t that close before…back when we were younger. I mean I always liked him, but we didn’t know each other that well. I’m here mostly because he assured me I could do it, though.”

  After Caroline had told me that, we sort of hugged. But then her phone rang, and I went inside to find Jess, and that was it. We hadn’t talked about it again.

  I was still thinking about it, replaying that conversation in my head when Tracie finally came in for bed. She got undressed in the dark and I waited silently, pretending to be asleep. Once she’d crawled under the covers, I took the plunge.

  “Trace?”

  Nothing.

  “I know you’re awake.”

  More nothing.

  “If you’re not going to talk to me, will you at least listen?”

  A bigger, fatter nothing.

  “Fine. Be that way.” Unless she wanted to get out of bed, she was a captive audience, so I’d say what I had wanted to tell her for a while now. “About Caroline…”

  A heavy sigh from across the room.

  “Just listen for once,” I told her. “About Caroline…I know you have your reasons for not wanting to talk to her, but I’ve kind of been getting to know her, and I think it’s worth it. At least for me.”

  When she didn’t throw anything, I kept going. I told her about our first dinner and how Caroline didn’t show up, but she sent me the gift basket. When I mentioned the wine, Tracie snorted. I wasn’t sure if it was laughter or disgust, but I kept going. I’m pretty sure she had to cover her head so I wouldn’t hear her giggle when I told her about the cat and falling into the rhododendron.

  I wanted Tracie to understand that Caroline regretted abandoning us, but I knew better than to say it. Also, it wasn’t like Caroline had actually told me she did, but I sort of knew. I didn’t want to put words in her mouth, though, so I stuck to the things I was certain about.

  “You’re probably wondering why she came back all of a sudden,” I said. “And I was wondering that too. It was because of her husband. He died last year.”

  Tracie didn’t answer, so I jumped into the silence and told her about the walk with Caroline and Ray’s heart attack three days before Valentine’s, which made it extra sad to me somehow. Tracie didn’t stop me, and I went on, telling her about Caroline running into Uncle Bill and thinking it must be a sign. “Her husband was only forty-nine,” I told Tracie. “He’d tried to get her to contact us…and after he died, she promised him, his memory, I guess, that she would. She’d always wanted to, but she was scared, Tracie, that’s all. She figured we must hate her.”

  Tracie shifted in her bed. “She’s smarter than she looks, then,” she said. She flung off the covers, and for the tiniest moment I figured I’d won her over in spite of saying that about Caroline, but as usual, I was wrong. Instead of the hug I’d been hoping for, she stormed out, banging the door behind her.

  I jumped out of bed and ran after her, grabbing her arm just as she got past the kitchen and into the living room. “What’s your problem?” I asked.

  “Just leave me alone!”

  “Tracie, this is so stupid. Will you please talk to me?”

  “Suze? I’m going to punch you if you don’t shut up.”

  Dad came out of his bedroom, fumbling with his glasses, his hair tousled from sleep. “Hey. It’s after midnight. What’s going on out here?”

  Tracy yanked her arm out of my grip. “Do you think some little sob story like that is going to change my mind?”

  “I wasn’t trying to change your mind.” Okay, maybe I was, but I didn’t have to admit it now that it hadn’t worked. “I just wanted you to know why I’m gonna give Caroline a chance.”

  “Fine. Go ahead. But leave me out of it!” She flounced over to the couch and threw herself down.

  “Everyone just chill,” Dad said. “Who wants hot chocolate?” He still thought all our fights could be smoothed over with something sweet.

  “You know what, Trace?” I said. “I’m sick of this.”

  Dad took my arm. “Suze? Help me in the kitchen.”

  He sounded so much like AJ giving orders that I let him lead me away. He put the kettle on, while I tore open three packets of hot chocolate and dumped them into mugs. All that separates the kitchen from the living room is a counter with stools, and I glared at Tracie, who was sulking in front of the TV.

  Dad poured the water into the cups as I stirred, and then he plopped a marshmallow into each one. I took the chipped mug out to Tracie, keeping the nice blue one from my gift basket for myself.

  “Here.” I thumped it on the end table, making it slosh over the side. Tracie didn’t even say thanks. I grabbed the remote and put the TV on mute.

  “Tracie? What’s the deal?” I asked her. “Was she really such a bad mother you’ll never give her another chance, or what?”

  “Suze—” Dad said.

  Tracie threw off the yellow blanket and stood up. “No, Suze,” she said in a deeply scary voice. “No. She wasn’t a terrible mother. She was a great one.”

  “What?” I asked, totally thrown.

  “Yeah,” Tracie said, her voice still low and dangerous. “The best. You don’t remember, but I do. For five years she was the best mom in the whole world. She walked me to school every day, pushing you in the stroller. She was there the second they let us out too. With a smile and a snack to take to the park on sunny days. And on the rainy ones, we went home and she gave us cookies and peppermint tea sweetened with honey. She made birthday cakes and Halloween costumes. We dyed Easter eggs and left out carrots and celery sticks for Santa’s reindeer. She sat up all night when I had the flu, and she read me stories.”

  “Now I really don’t get what your problem is.”

  “I know you don’t. But I don’t want to talk about it, okay?” Tracie’s voice had been getting higher and higher the longer she talked, and when she stopped for breath, the tears building in her eyes spilled over.

  “Oh, Trace—”

  “Why can’t you just leave me alone? Why are you making me say this? Fine! You want to know why I don’t want to see her? It’s because she was perfect, which means that I’m the reason she left!”

  “What?”

  “After Grandma and Grandpa McIntyre died, she was so sad. And I tried to be good. I tried to do everything right. I took care of you. I cleaned my room. I was quiet so she could sleep, but in the end she left anyway. Because she had to get away from me!”

  “Wait a minute. Hold on—” Dad said, hurrying over to Tracie. “Honey, that is so not true.”

  “Then why did she leave?” Tracie’s whole body shook with sobs, and my heart broke with every word she said. Dad took her in his arms and I stood there, alone, watching him hold my shattered sister. Tracie crumpled in his arms, and he lowered her to the sofa. He motioned me to join them and I sat on the other side of him, his arms around us both.

  “If it was anyone’s fault Caroline left,” Dad said, “it was mine.”

  “What do you mean?” I asked.

  He stared straight ahead, his arms tight around us. “When Caroline’s parents died, she was devastated. But I was too stupid to understand what that meant. At first, when she couldn’t get out of bed because she was so sad, I sent you girls to AJ and Bill’s. But they weren’t really set up for kids. AJ was still in grad school, and Bill worked two jobs. So then I tried to take care of you myself. And Caroline, too….”

  He
took a deep breath and let it out slowly. I could feel how shaky he was next to me.

  “But with my job, it was too much. My parents offered to take you both, but they had already moved to the Okanagan and I couldn’t stand the thought of you two being so far away. Months passed, and Caroline seemed to retreat more and more. We moved into her parents’ house, which I thought might help, but instead, it made her worse.

  “It got to the point where the place was a mess. I’d come home and she’d still be in bed, and Tracie’d be trying to take care of you, Suze. Cheerios for dinner, that sort of thing.”

  Tracie had stopped crying now and was leaning against Dad. “I remember that,” she said.

  “And one day I just lost it,” he said. “I yelled at Caroline to get up. I said you girls needed her, it’d been almost a year since her parents died, and life had to go on, and it was time to snap out of it.”

  He paused so long, I finally asked, “What happened?”

  He shook his head. “She got out of bed. She fixed herself up, she took a shower, put on fresh clothes, got into a routine…and I wondered what had taken me so long to put my foot down…. A week later, she was gone.”

  The three of us sat there in silence. I thought about what Caroline had said about having panic attacks and seeing a pro about it. Was it okay to tell them? I was so tired of secrets. “She sees a therapist now,” I said.

  “Yeah, I know,” Dad told us. “We’ve been meeting for coffee once a week and just talking about stuff. I want you both to understand she wasn’t just sad back then. She was clinically depressed, but I didn’t even know what that meant at the time.”

  “I don’t think it was your fault she left,” Tracie said.

  “Well, I know it wasn’t your fault. And I’m really sorry I didn’t realize you thought it was,” he said, pulling her even closer.

  “I guess I’m the only blameless one here,” I said, trying to make them laugh. And they sort of did.

  “First time for everything,” Dad and Tracie said together, and we all laughed for real.

  “I still don’t think I want to see her,” Tracie said.